The Public Record

Security at many Mornington Peninsula tourist destinations is believed to have been ramped up after a threats to steal events and tourist attractions have been received from Frankston.

The threats are after a “furious” Frankston lost the sand sculpting that it, in turn, stole from Rye eleven years ago.

“This is the crime of the century” said Frankston businessman Ross Swinkleton who commented the The Public Record on the condition on anonymity. “It is like your dad sneaking off to the beach after dark with a garbage bin to get sand for the sandpit – times a thousand.”

“We’d even been given a government grant to but a roof over the Frankston Sand sculpting, but now everything is ruined!”

Swinkleton is referring to the $750,000 federal government grant announced by then Dunkley MP Bruce Billson in 2016.

But bitterness has never died down over the years, with the entire Mornington Peninsula still mourning the loss of this iconic annual event from Rye.

But in masterstroke, power brokers have managed to win the event back to the peninsula.

The event will now be held at Boneo Maze in Fingal from 15th December.

But the group of influential businessmen at Frankston have vowed to not take such a brazen theft of their event laying down.

“Sure, we stole it from the peninsula first. But that doesn’t mean they can steal it back! Didn’t their mothers tell them that two wrongs don’t make a right?” said Mr Swinkleton.

It is believed now that the same group of businessmen are on the lookout for other events/tourist attractions to grab for Frankston.

“The Eagle would look pretty good going up Olivers Hill, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe you can take a ride on it after having a jump or two off The Pillars situated on the beach at Frankston!”

And it is rumoured that there is now a secret council study to try and find sufficient real estate to establish a hinterland in Frankston, where apple orchards, strawberry farms and, of course, wineries will have visitors rambling around the City of Frankston every weekend.

“Oh… and maybe relax at the end of your weekend meandering around the City of Frankston with a soak in our HOT SPRINGS” said Mr Swinkleton.

“This is not the end! Sleep with one eye open Mornington Peninsula!”

While the Mornington Peninsula Shire has put forward a plan to manage the hordes of visitors to Mt Martha’s “The Pillars”, a group of influential businessmen have taken the issue into their own hands.

“Public comment this, public comment that,” said Mt Martha real estate agent, Terrence Snufkin.

“What we need is action, and action now”.

The group is sending a delegation to Washington DC in the hope to get a meeting with US President Donald Trump.

“We too are going to build a wall. And Millennials from the northern suburbs are going to pay for it!” said Mr Snufkin.

The idea is simple, according to the group. While the United States have already done the hard work developing a wall to run along its southern border, the Australians plan to offer to “chip in”, increasing their buying power, and getting two walls out of the deal.

“It really is a win-win. It should save money for the US taxpayer, and get us a wall at a greatly reduced cost”.

Word from power brokers inside The Whitehouse is that those in the know are over the moon.

“If you can keep out 20-somethings with their heart set on getting that Instagram shot jumping off The Pillars in Australia, then keeping hoards of impoverished work-seekers heading across our southern boarder should be a breeze” said a US official on the condition of anonymity.

“God knows…. the former are a lot harder to dissuade”

While The Public Record has not contacted the Mornington Peninsula Shire mayor, Cr Bryan Payne, it is hard to imagine he would be against the wall. After all, he was quoted in the “fake news” Mornington News this week as saying “we need to protect it [The Pillars] from further impact”.

Of course, there is the possibility, with his rash and unpredictable nature, that Donald Trump won’t see the benefit in bulk-buying walls with the Mt Martha delegation.

“He is known to be pretty flighty,” said Mr Snufkin, “So of course we have a back-up plan”.

Asked by Derrick DiMaggio from The Public Record what they intending to do if their wall plan failed, Mr Snufkin replied “About 300 kilograms of high-explosives. Those kids will have trouble jumping off The Pillars if it is half a click offshore and under 20 metres of water”.

Either way, it seems peace will soon be restored to Mt Martha, and the frustration, inconvenience and alcohol bans of the past few years will soon become a distant memory.

After nearly two decades of inaction, it is believed a solution is at hand to deal with the incessant noise on the Mornington Peninsula Freeway.

“Things seem to have become worse, not better” said a spokesperson, on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t realise that a massive increase in traffic and chomping up all the vegetation would result in more noise. Who would have thought it?”

Members of a Safety Beach action group are frustrated that VicRoads has done little to curb increased traffic noise on the Mornington Peninsula Freeway. They say the noise deprives them of sleep, causes health issues and has lowered their standard of living.

“We hear them and fully understand. While we’re completing the removal of vegetation along this strip of freeway, we are looking at new works to plant vegetation along this strip of freeway”.

“This should decrease noise and air pollution, sun and traffic glare, reduce cross winds, decreased temperatures on the road and even reduce potential flooding. It really is a wonderful idea.”

Asked by The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio how long it would take for this new vegetation to return to the effectiveness of the vegetation that was just removed, the spokesperson said “about two decades”.

“It is not as simple as just replanting a few trees. We need to encourage wildlife back. We never knew how much road noise possums actually absorbed until we’d mulched them”.

With Her Majesty’s Press always keen to fully understand the situation, The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio was dispatched to investigate.

“I couldn’t just stand on the sidelines and observe. To find out the extent of the problem, I needed to immerse myself in it. I decided to sleep the night in a paddock behind Safety Beach. I can tell you, I woke at 3am after having a nightmare that I was being chased by a screaming banshee. It was horrible.”

“Once I had calmed down, I realised the nightmare was caused by the unbearable sound of traffic, and the tears of homeless possums. It was an unforgiveable reality”.

DiMaggio sent an open letter to “the authorities” demanding immediate action and got the following statement back:

“We have heard your compelling argument. We accept the error of our ways, and the grave inconvenience we have caused local residents. We will fix this NOW. We intend issuing all residents between Mt Martha and Rosebud with earplugs to solve this problem once and for all.’

As residents sleep blissfully from now on, they’ll be able to dream about what has turned out to be a win for commonsense over bungling bureaucracy.

A seal has taken the extraordinary step of coming ashore at Hastings and attempted to present a petition against AGL’s plan to moor a floating gas terminal in Crib Point.

As one of the only sea-based creatures with the ability to walk on land, it is believed the seal was given the dangerous task to traverse the wetlands to present the document.

It is believed the male New Zealand long nose fur seal was heading to Greg Hunt’s offices.

The seal was confronted by a member of the AGL Marine Response Unit who, accompanied by a specialist interpreter, tried to negotiate with the seal, but he refused to be moved back to the aquatic environment from whence he came.

The boardwalk was blocked for over eight hours as negotiations took place. Mums with their kids on BMX bikes were left banked up at either end of the boardwalk unable to enjoy an autumn ride.

TPR’s own Derrick DiMaggio was on scene and rang through an exclusive report.

“The seal is as mad as hell, and is going to take a leg off if someone isn’t careful. He is growling and I can smell his breathe from 15 metres away.”

Eventually the seal made a run for it up Kings Creek, heading towards the football ground. It is not known if he intended to take that route to Mr Hunt’s office or if he’d abandoned his cause and was heading to the Hastings Club for a parma and to drop a few coins into the pokies.

While work has started on preparing the existing jetty at Crib Point for the more than 300 metre long floating storage regasification unit (FSRU), no government approvals have yet been given.

More importantly, it seems, marine life has not be consulted.