June 2018

An open letter to shire councillors and fellow citizens…

Dear Mornington Peninsula Shire councillors and fellow citizens,

It was Dante in ‘The Inferno’ who wrote the words that come to mind today…

“The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis”.

And as news filters through to The Public Record that Mornington Peninsula Shire councillors have decided to advertise the position of shire CEO I am announcing that I, Derrick DiMaggio, have decided it is time to step out from the shadows of neutrality and offer my services in that role.

The Mornington Peninsula was once a fun place to live. Citizens will remember a time when you could drive to the shops and find a park. Or a time when your dog could give a kid a nip at the beach and not be impounded. Or a time you could fill your recycling bin full of broken up concrete and not get a nasty sticker put on it.

No more, councillors and fellow citizens. Now we have been sucked into the mire of bitterness and anger where a single false move will see you snatched off the street by henchmen, and taken to a basement where you will have leeches placed on you until you recant.

The time to turn back the clock is now.

With only some limitations, I am willing to take over the top job and turn this ship around.

Speaking of ships. I refer to the Fake News Media’s constant attacks on the current CEO for the one cruise he took. How can the CEO of a tourism hot-spot preach if he does not practice? I intend to take more cruises in an official capacity as shire CEO to tell the tourism-loving population what a great place the Mornington Peninsula is.

I’d even go so far as to shut down the shire’s new Melbourne office and take the presidential suite on the Fairstar year round.

Next will be to reverse the alcohol ban at the shire. A municipality that prides itself on its fine alcoholic beverages should not have a ban of that nature. In fact, I will seek to make drinking compulsory at council meetings as a show of support to our vignerons.

We need to rid the Mornington Peninsula Shire of bureaucracy, ‘yes’ men, and consultants. If we need to dig a hole to build a pool, let’s not hire consultants to do a feasibility study! If Mad Mike from the pub can borrow a back-hoe from a mate for just a slab and a sack of spuds, then let Mad Mike do it!

The time is now to move forward into this century with a new ‘can do’ attitude and I, Derrick DiMaggio, am the best man to have at the helm of this shire.

One little issue is my retainer. The CEO’s salary is a little on the light side. I have considerable child support commitments and have payments arrangements with Sherriff’s departments in three states. But we can always negotiate that once I am appointed.

I will await your call. Let’s make the Mornington Peninsula great again together!

Sincerely,

Derrick DiMaggio

While the Mornington Peninsula Shire has put forward a plan to manage the hordes of visitors to Mt Martha’s “The Pillars”, a group of influential businessmen have taken the issue into their own hands.

“Public comment this, public comment that,” said Mt Martha real estate agent, Terrence Snufkin.

“What we need is action, and action now”.

The group is sending a delegation to Washington DC in the hope to get a meeting with US President Donald Trump.

“We too are going to build a wall. And Millennials from the northern suburbs are going to pay for it!” said Mr Snufkin.

The idea is simple, according to the group. While the United States have already done the hard work developing a wall to run along its southern border, the Australians plan to offer to “chip in”, increasing their buying power, and getting two walls out of the deal.

“It really is a win-win. It should save money for the US taxpayer, and get us a wall at a greatly reduced cost”.

Word from power brokers inside The Whitehouse is that those in the know are over the moon.

“If you can keep out 20-somethings with their heart set on getting that Instagram shot jumping off The Pillars in Australia, then keeping hoards of impoverished work-seekers heading across our southern boarder should be a breeze” said a US official on the condition of anonymity.

“God knows…. the former are a lot harder to dissuade”

While The Public Record has not contacted the Mornington Peninsula Shire mayor, Cr Bryan Payne, it is hard to imagine he would be against the wall. After all, he was quoted in the “fake news” Mornington News this week as saying “we need to protect it [The Pillars] from further impact”.

Of course, there is the possibility, with his rash and unpredictable nature, that Donald Trump won’t see the benefit in bulk-buying walls with the Mt Martha delegation.

“He is known to be pretty flighty,” said Mr Snufkin, “So of course we have a back-up plan”.

Asked by Derrick DiMaggio from The Public Record what they intending to do if their wall plan failed, Mr Snufkin replied “About 300 kilograms of high-explosives. Those kids will have trouble jumping off The Pillars if it is half a click offshore and under 20 metres of water”.

Either way, it seems peace will soon be restored to Mt Martha, and the frustration, inconvenience and alcohol bans of the past few years will soon become a distant memory.