May 2018

After nearly two decades of inaction, it is believed a solution is at hand to deal with the incessant noise on the Mornington Peninsula Freeway.

“Things seem to have become worse, not better” said a spokesperson, on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t realise that a massive increase in traffic and chomping up all the vegetation would result in more noise. Who would have thought it?”

Members of a Safety Beach action group are frustrated that VicRoads has done little to curb increased traffic noise on the Mornington Peninsula Freeway. They say the noise deprives them of sleep, causes health issues and has lowered their standard of living.

“We hear them and fully understand. While we’re completing the removal of vegetation along this strip of freeway, we are looking at new works to plant vegetation along this strip of freeway”.

“This should decrease noise and air pollution, sun and traffic glare, reduce cross winds, decreased temperatures on the road and even reduce potential flooding. It really is a wonderful idea.”

Asked by The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio how long it would take for this new vegetation to return to the effectiveness of the vegetation that was just removed, the spokesperson said “about two decades”.

“It is not as simple as just replanting a few trees. We need to encourage wildlife back. We never knew how much road noise possums actually absorbed until we’d mulched them”.

With Her Majesty’s Press always keen to fully understand the situation, The Public Record’s Derrick DiMaggio was dispatched to investigate.

“I couldn’t just stand on the sidelines and observe. To find out the extent of the problem, I needed to immerse myself in it. I decided to sleep the night in a paddock behind Safety Beach. I can tell you, I woke at 3am after having a nightmare that I was being chased by a screaming banshee. It was horrible.”

“Once I had calmed down, I realised the nightmare was caused by the unbearable sound of traffic, and the tears of homeless possums. It was an unforgiveable reality”.

DiMaggio sent an open letter to “the authorities” demanding immediate action and got the following statement back:

“We have heard your compelling argument. We accept the error of our ways, and the grave inconvenience we have caused local residents. We will fix this NOW. We intend issuing all residents between Mt Martha and Rosebud with earplugs to solve this problem once and for all.’

As residents sleep blissfully from now on, they’ll be able to dream about what has turned out to be a win for commonsense over bungling bureaucracy.

A seal has taken the extraordinary step of coming ashore at Hastings and attempted to present a petition against AGL’s plan to moor a floating gas terminal in Crib Point.

As one of the only sea-based creatures with the ability to walk on land, it is believed the seal was given the dangerous task to traverse the wetlands to present the document.

It is believed the male New Zealand long nose fur seal was heading to Greg Hunt’s offices.

The seal was confronted by a member of the AGL Marine Response Unit who, accompanied by a specialist interpreter, tried to negotiate with the seal, but he refused to be moved back to the aquatic environment from whence he came.

The boardwalk was blocked for over eight hours as negotiations took place. Mums with their kids on BMX bikes were left banked up at either end of the boardwalk unable to enjoy an autumn ride.

TPR’s own Derrick DiMaggio was on scene and rang through an exclusive report.

“The seal is as mad as hell, and is going to take a leg off if someone isn’t careful. He is growling and I can smell his breathe from 15 metres away.”

Eventually the seal made a run for it up Kings Creek, heading towards the football ground. It is not known if he intended to take that route to Mr Hunt’s office or if he’d abandoned his cause and was heading to the Hastings Club for a parma and to drop a few coins into the pokies.

While work has started on preparing the existing jetty at Crib Point for the more than 300 metre long floating storage regasification unit (FSRU), no government approvals have yet been given.

More importantly, it seems, marine life has not be consulted.

In this world of fake news, it is time to take a stand.

We all know that newspapers can’t be trusted. They tell us what they want us to know. And their version of the truth is peddled by the powerful and manipulative who run their own agendas.

Here at The Public Record, we are committed to giving you the truth behind the fake news stories you are fed every day.

The Public Record is led by one of the Mornington Peninsula’s most trusted and experienced journalists, Derrick DiMaggio.

DiMaggio is widely acknowledged to be the “Julian Assange” of the Mornington Peninsula. But without the white hair and Ecuadoran embassy.

He leads a team of the brightest journalistic minds in the constant fight for what is right, no matter what the consequences. He’ll cut through the white noise, the fluff, and the agenda to bring you the only source of information that can be trusted.

The Public Record.